Thursday, December 17, 2009

adam howard, etc

when I was single...

there were times when I wanted to run as far away as I could from everybody that I knew.  and not just that - but I would be running away from every thing I'd ever said, every thing I'd ever did, every place I'd ever been.  every idle thought, every reminder of my failures, every place I'd ever fallen into sin of some kind.

now that I'm married.

there are times when I want to run as far away as I can, still, from everyone, everything, every incident, etc.

I just want to take my wife with me, now.

Monday, November 16, 2009

I hope my son reads this, if God gives me a son

well I'm useless with out a seminary education. even if I had an MA (or a 'minimal ability' as they call it in our accademic circles - something I found out recently much to my dismay) I just feel utterly at the bottom of the barrel. at least, that's where I'm at right now...

sometimes you learn how to play the game. people like to know in their hearts that you know where you're going in order to take you seriously. we've gotta have it figured out better than God does and THEN people know that we're serious.
psh.  gimme a break. 
SO - what's going on in my head right now?
newhall outreach center
shepherds theological sem in north carolina
jackson hole, wyoming
boulder, colorado
washington or oregon church plant teams
I guess part of growing up is deciding whether or not you're going to hold fast to your dreams, though.  sometimes older men who've let go, or older men who are 'wise' old sissys will talk down on you, and you've gotta decide whether you're going to keep hanging on to that thing.  you gotta decide, if it's from God, then you can't let go.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

evil days

I'm really struggling with a few things that have happened these last couple of days.  I'll write about them, just not now. 

Monday, November 9, 2009


maybe I should cut myself some more slack.  God sure has.

tripple threat

is it socially acceptable or even fashionable in the global community of bloggers to post 3 blog posts in 1 (one) morning?

hm.  While I think about that and get ready to study some hebrew...

I go through these phases.  I've been in this one phase for a little while, now.  it's this phase of wanting desparately to fit in and be connected somewhere, like our church body, but really finding no place for me outside of playing bass on the praise team.  I don't feel close to really too many people, even though there are definitely some people who I've been able to connect in stronger ways over the last couple weeks when I really started wrestling and thinking these things through.

There've been a lot of let downs, I suppose.  A lot of discouargements.  A man told me I'm too ideal - that I just give up when things get hard.  I don't know if that's true or if he would even remember saying that to me, at this point.  At any rate, I'm thinking through and I'm going to start praying more consistently regarding what I'm doing out here.

I know, there's a danger in posting blogs like this...  some guy will come on here, and could comment some kind of self-justifying post about organized religion and baptists.  no, it's not about that.  gimme a break. 

did somebody say...

At odd hours, I'll end up at McDonalds* because of Nostalgia.  Not necesarily because of hunger.  But mostly because I miss home.  I miss getting picked up from the air port, I miss visiting my brother, I miss waiting for my mom to get home.

In a similar way, I become nostolgic when I end up at McDonalds at odd hours.

*dude I have no idea what this thing's even from but it's an awesome picture

old man

nuon anthropos

I will forever, I think, struggle with my forgiveness.  To fuel the flame, in part, is the way my sins have been handled in the past by others... and even today.  And, while I don't blame others - it's there, that's reality.  I think that, since I struggle with sin (pride, anger, hate, lust - there's my confession for you, reader), since I've been saved out of the darker and hotter depths of our hellish earthly depravity, my new man will always and forever stand in awe... maybe, almost, unbelief.

Not the kind of cowardly unbelief that divorces my fiance, no.  The real unbelief that leads to worship, worship of our mighty God who brought me near by the flesh and the blood of His attoning death on that filthy, blood stained and disgusting cross.

The cross was nasty.  Chunks of flesh, chunks of blood, probably even human excretions of many kinds trickling down the wood.  A Man - the God of the universe - let out His last dying breath.  And there I am, at the foot of the cross.  And my body is up there - my old man, dead.  Romans 6 style. 

And I will be raised up like Him on the last day

And it's a struggle.  I told some friends, recently.  I don't know what I'd do if I met people who have caused great hurt in the lives of those I love.

I used to think... maybe, I used to even say.  In fact, most recently, I've thought and pondered aloud... What if the Lord saved one of these men?

and He has.  like me.  a wretch, no greater than him or anyone else.  we're two wretches, almost damned but not anymore.  I will spend eternity with you, jose.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

sometimes, working for clients can be the double-edges sword.

you're doing something you 'love,' sure.  but you don't really have time to do the things you love.  you're busy doing changes and keeping up with deadlines.  you fall behind, and it sucks.  you feel terrible for letting someone down, if you're any kind of man with solid or even decent convictions.

I'm tired.  I'm complaining.  Lord, have mercy.

Monday, November 2, 2009


I feel like...

I'm almost positive that a lot of big things typically happen all at once in my life.  I don't know whether that's the result of over-zealousness or under-preparedness.  But that's life.  Thank the Lord for everything big that ISN'T happening and how He's taken care of all of us...

Saturday, October 31, 2009


I'm pretty excited about this game that's coming out - part of a three part (or maybe 4 now) compilation of games...

it's interesting, video games...  people can read books and get lost in them, enjoy a good movie, but there's a certain part of the video game culture that gets looked down upon.  I guess that's how it goes, sometimes.  no one looks down on the book nerds.  it's socially relevant to be able to discuss a good movie or two, and their directors and all the fun trivia that comes along with those kinds of things.

but not videogames.  and videogames have played an interesting role in my life, until now.  a lot of morals, I think... pre-regenerate, and even now, as I run these things through the 'lense of Scripture,' so to speak, I feel like there's really... a lot that someone thoughtful can come away with from some of the interactive media adventures that I've endeavoured (sp?) to see through to the end.  much more so than, say, harry potter?  or twilight?

don't get me wrong...

videogames and 2D media has also kind of played a big role in getting me to where I am, today, vocationally.  totally by God's providence and His total guidance, yeah - I want to acknowledge that fully.  I remember graal online, click and create, QBASIC, html, xml, paint shop pro, adobe CS1 (was there even a 1? it was a long time ago), and all that jazz.  and I remember everything that propelled it - final fantasy, the legend of zelda, the metroid saga, mega man... shadow of the colossus, and all kinds of different adventures...  things that weren't mindless, I don't think.  I actually probably learned how to read and write better from Final Fantasy.  go figure.

now that I've stepped out of all of that life...

now that I'm stepping into bigger, better things... I think I often wonder how dissapointed or excited that kid would've been.  I'm 23, soon.  getting married.  and dang it, I'm stoked.  God's doing a lot.

and there's a sense where it is an adventure, yeah.  but what about those drawings I used to draw?  all over my papers, up and down the margins.  what happened when they kept getting (honestly) better and better, and probably when my immagine was at it's peak?

nothing.  I don't know.

I would never go back and tell myself...  although maybe, there ARE parts that I would tell myself, yeah... but maybe nothing like...

"Look, Adam.  There are no sword fights, no magic, no impending evils to vanquish.  No incredible physical abilities, no quests, no big adventure.  No, Adam...  no, it's just a bunch of lazy people on every end of the spectrum - people going to hell and people that don't care, and you're going to spend a lot of time fighting the people that you want to be on your side and being hurt and discouraged by the people that you would think would be your biggest support group.  There's no princesses to save, no dragons to save, no dramatic losses on the battle field.  In fact, you hate guns.  There's just cold, hard reality in the future and you're going to spend most of your time, at least right now, mulling over that fact and praying and waiting for God to open up the door to something big.  And people will think you're naive.  Your conversations will be tiring, no one - even your loved ones - will want to hear you and you'll spend most of your talks either talking about nothing because you're tired, or tiring yourself out talking about important things, labouring to convince people that they ARE important.  And most of all, you're going to get tired because you'll be trying harder than ever to do it all on your own strength - not the Lords.  And senior compentency exams will be killer."

But don't give up.  Yeah, don't.  It's still too big to give up.  Just pray for revival and keep your hands open.

Needless to say - it would be cool to get a PS3 and nab this game when it came out.  I don't think, really, there'd be much of a problem with that.  Keep that kid alive.  At least I could see saved lives in a fake world.  Of course I don't/won't have the money for any of that.

Friday, October 30, 2009

the national anthem

I think...

I'm constantly realizing... and sometimes, a little bit discouraged... about the fact that I have less friends than I actually realize.  there's a lot of faces, yeah.  close faces.  nice faces.  handsome faces.  pretty faces.  and names, yeah - names to the faces.  and sometimes, even lives.  lives behind the faces, stories, confessions, memories.

and they just walk by.  they all get together.  they all have a great time.  they smile as they pass.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

lorem ipsum

I love the anoniminytoaisfj (an-non-nim-inity) of writing, sometimes.  I love that I can come on here and write, and be raw, especially when I don't/can't/won't get it out at all during the day.  I love that I can write on here and the people that read it won't be offended because they might not even know who I am.

I love that freedom.  of being able to be honest.  and not worrying about how someone older might misread it, or how my peers might misunderstand, and that younger kids might sprial out into a different direction.  that no one will be offended, no one will worry, no one will etc etc.

until people start reading this.

honestly.  honesty.  honest.


am I doing here???

I don't know... I look around and I just feel not at peace, sometimes... like everything is in disaray against my will... when I moved out of my old place and into this place all I wanted was peace.  peace to slow down, peace to think.  tonight I (yes, I - I I I me me me me Lord have mercy) was some steady pace to work to and some sleep.  now it's 12:15 am.  please don't be offended, no - but it's the truth.  it's late and I'm considerably tired and there's still a bit for me to do.  and I'm tired of being tired.

my mind wanders quite a bit, sometimes.  thoughts of back home.  thoughts of the past.  then there's fear.  yes, fear.  I'm a man with fears.  there are fears of the future - the future as in tomorrow, the future as in the week end, the future as in a month or a year from now.

and these fears of mine.  they're rooted deep in the failures that surround me day after day - the things I set out to do, the great things, the subtle things, the small things - all of my failures creeping in, all of my failures turning into fear.

today was the first time in my whole 3 years at The Master's College that I fell asleep in chapel.
(I was ashamed)

Friday, October 23, 2009

train song

I jumped off my car, today.  Jumped from the curb, over the sidewalk, onto the front lawn of our new apartment complex.

A man approached.  Said he'd been praying.  Offered me a job.  Left me a voice mail.  Said he'd get in touch with me...

I called him.  I haven't heard from him, yet.  I'm going to call him tomorrow (today) and ask him what's going on.

His voice mail - that's what I got.  I got his voice mail.  It said, at the end of it, "And remember - don't let anyone stop you from dreaming."

There's a chair here, now - a nice one that we got from a dear sweet friend of ours.  A foot stool, a desk.  My monitor is hooked up, now...  Finally, things are slowing down.  I can sit down and work.  There's a place for me, now, and I'm so grateful.

And there's a train in the distance.  Probably a big freight train.  I can hear its horn cutting through the cool autumn air outside, echoing through the streets, getting caught up in the trees and coming through my window from miles away.  And now it's gone.

I used to dream.  I really did.

maybe I'm starting to see fruition.  maybe I can't let the opinions of a few old men stop the flame.  no.

there's a fire in my bones.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

community come, pt 1.

I'll get back to that title, when it's not 1:40am and I'm in the shop.

I've been checking out different bands... while I wait for things to finish printing... and I found this band: Anathallo.  They have a whole hymns CD...

Like this one, and this one....  Yikes.

Sometimes, the difference between peace and war is... or, at least, starts at a split second decision of one person to chose one action that completely negates all the rest of the viable options.  In my case, it's whether to stay silent, or to hurt my friendships.

Lord have mercy...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


my old man would say, "well, son. you're at the end of your rope. tie a knot and hang on."

the most surprisingly... well, 'surprising' thing about getting married to me that's been the hardest thing, so far...

harder than finding a place, harder than finding a job, harder than everything else that God has provided for... is how hard it is to interact with people, and how easy it is to feel let down and/or cornered.  and I'm not saying I'm cornered.

I blew up on a few people today for the first time in years, though.  I'm just so... at the end of my rope, right now.  Lord have mercy.  at times I'm not very loving.

I'm not sure what to say sorry for, though.  it'll come to me, I suppose.


it's pretty late... I'm really craving some time with the Lord...

it's amazing that we try to work everything else out of our schedule so we can fit time in with God.  that's a really backward view of how it oughtta be, according to the Truth that I've come to glean.

all of our work, our businesses, our sustainance, our vocation, etc, comes down from God - provided they all fall under the category of 'good' .  And yet, how often do we bring our eyes down from the Lord and cherish the gift rather than the giver?


I've been thinking a lot about the suffiency of Christ, amidst my own strivings.  In light of those meditations, I've been realizing how utterly useless and insignificant I am in and of myself.  To think that God chooses to glorify Himself - all powerful, infinite God - in the life of this finite sinner...


Monday, October 19, 2009

1: beginning


last night was my first night in apartment 37.  I bought some oat meal, some cream of wheat, some speakers, put some Nat King Cole on (feat. George Shearing) [september song]...

and didn't get as much time to think as I wanted to.

I started to try and clean.  I cleaned up a little bit, but it was late.  it was almost that feeling of... 'Hey I can try to organize everything (every little thing) in this place, BUT my mind is far more cluttered at the moment.'

(my lovely fiance showed up while I was out bringing home the bacon bits and straightened things up a little bit for me/us)

I think more than anything, I came to some big realizations... but couldn't think through them.  it was too late, you know?  far too late. 

right now I'm listening to the album leaf and working on some web design for a client that I could probably lose soon.  whatever the outcome, lose or sustain, I will have gained this valuable lesson that I seem to have forgotten in years past:

the difference between being ahead and being behind doesn't necesary lie in minutes, hours, days, weeks, etc - it lies in that split second decision that one makes to choose to do one activity over another.

whatever gain or whatever loss my avail, all is but rubbish in the shadow cast by the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ our God and Savior.

this is my new blog.  it's a little less known, and I like that.