Thursday, February 25, 2010

'you died on a tuesday'

and on that note...

I'll be the happiest father ever if my child feels safe asking me questions.  if my child feels safe enough with me to be raw, to confess, to boldly live in the reality of the love I have for him or her... and it's unconditional nature, because I know God, so I know His love and that love can't stop but flow out of me.

I don't care how smart or how fast or strong you are.  just know my love.  maybe you'll read this one day.  maybe, if things are just right, you'll be old enough to read, old enough to care, young enough for blogger to still be around, you'll be reading this right now.  know that I'm thinking about you, it's 2:14 am, it's 2010, we're married, you've been baking in the oven for two months now (two technical months) since the day before my birthday.  and your dad is terrible at hebrew because he can't learn the vocab!  and we aren't making a lot of money and we don't know where we're headed or why we're here right now, and that there are a lot of things that make me uneasy.

and know that your mom's last name is STILL augustson (we're driving down to LA to work on that tomorrow, though), but yours will be Howard from the day you're born.  and that means the world to me, and to my dad.

and know that God is as real as your need for a savior, Jesus died for my sins, your mom's sins, your grandad's sins, and his old man's sins, and you can know the grace of the very Spirit of the One that created the entire world like we all did.  and know that this isn't the first time I've written you.  and also that I'm sorry for the times that I've failed you.


'but most of all... I thought about Jenny'

forrest gump has become my favorite movie of all time.  it's been on AMC a lot.  I think when I think back on our first years of marriage, and maybe even when I think about the first time I've been in my own place with cable tv...  I'll remember forrest gump.  and the matrix.

I take a little while to read comments, these days.  I'll just confess that, now.  because honestly, I'm working through a lot of fear right now.  yeah, I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of what people think for the first time in years.  everybody's so smart.  everybody's got it together.  maybe writing is my attempt to confess to someone, somewhere, that I really don't.  that's what it's all about, right?  grace.

yeah, grace.  it's humongous.  but I feel like I'm living in between two realities, sometimes.  that reality where my Lord is my Shepherd - His load is easy, His burden is light.  and there's that one with darting eyes, pointing fingers. 

where I'm supposed to open my shirt, peel back my skin, crack my ribs, and expose my heart to people who are supposed to love and understand the struggle.  but I never feel safe enough.

I never really said I had it together.  I only said, hey - I'm working.  I'm finishing school.  I have job skills.  that's been enough for everyone that I hardly see - the people's whose opinions, whether they're real or just in my head, dictate how hard we'll all try to hide.  and it's not the way thing should be.

I don't know if it's reality.  I dunno.

these last couple of years have been the hardest.  I was the chaplain at a great Christian institution and it was the hardest and most discouraging thing of my life.  I'm not blaming anyone.  honest - it was what it was. 

I came out here with a lot of drive, one dream, one mission.  it's not gone.  but it's not here.

it's a struggle.  I don't know how I got here.  there were a lot of people who's council or shoulder or hand that I wanted desperately.  there were people that I sought out.  there were people I looked to and looked up to.  there was a job, a mission, a task.  I wanted someone to come along side.  I've wanted help.  I've just wanted someone.  I look around and I don't really know who's here and who isn't.

now to clarify, if you're reading this - this isn't about being 'dissatisfied with my wife.'  I know at least one poor soul out there who might want that.  and I know my God would still show him mercy, and even know shows him kindness that ought to lead to repents - nevertheless (which is one word), he's storing up much wrath against himself on the day of my Lord's return.

I am incredibly excited about being a father...  I love our child.. and I'm so proud of him or her already...

once my dad told me, on the phone, that I'm his son.  that he loved me even before the day I was born.  maybe I'm starting to understand that.  I'm fighting, inside of me...  I just want to take our family and run, sometimes.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

be seein you

friends come in all shapes and sizes.  they come at different seasons, different times of life.
we have old friends, we have new friends.

very seldom, though, do friends emerge and prove themselves over time to be true friends.

and I've been thinking about that, recently.  among other things.  in fact, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately but I've been having a hard time finding anyone to tell any thing to.

maybe it's juvenile.  I don't know.  maybe it's just growing up.  maybe it just happens.

but there were friends.  old friends.  quick friends.  at one time, yes, new friends.

yes, you were friends.  we drove far, we stayed a long time, and part of my heart broke there when everyone left.  I took some of the pieces with us when we left.  I tried not to make a scene, make a fuss.  time moves on, I suppose.  and me - I'm out of sight, out of mind.  it only hurts so bad because I missed all of you, though.  so much.  I don't want a fan fair when we come back down the free way, I don't want to force any of you in to doing anything that you'd rather not do.  maybe all I wanted was to spend an evening with you.  because we drove far.  because I've missed you.  because gas cost money.

but now I'm finding that, part of growing up is realizing how many people really didn't ever like you as much as you thought you did.  and part immaturity is connecting the dots, wondering what was real, wondering what wasn't real.  part of being human is being hurt. 

part of knowing God is knowing the comfort the Lord brings.