Monday, November 16, 2009

I hope my son reads this, if God gives me a son

well I'm useless with out a seminary education. even if I had an MA (or a 'minimal ability' as they call it in our accademic circles - something I found out recently much to my dismay) I just feel utterly at the bottom of the barrel. at least, that's where I'm at right now...

sometimes you learn how to play the game. people like to know in their hearts that you know where you're going in order to take you seriously. we've gotta have it figured out better than God does and THEN people know that we're serious.
psh.  gimme a break. 
SO - what's going on in my head right now?
newhall outreach center
shepherds theological sem in north carolina
jackson hole, wyoming
boulder, colorado
washington or oregon church plant teams
I guess part of growing up is deciding whether or not you're going to hold fast to your dreams, though.  sometimes older men who've let go, or older men who are 'wise' old sissys will talk down on you, and you've gotta decide whether you're going to keep hanging on to that thing.  you gotta decide, if it's from God, then you can't let go.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

evil days

I'm really struggling with a few things that have happened these last couple of days.  I'll write about them, just not now. 

Monday, November 9, 2009


maybe I should cut myself some more slack.  God sure has.

tripple threat

is it socially acceptable or even fashionable in the global community of bloggers to post 3 blog posts in 1 (one) morning?

hm.  While I think about that and get ready to study some hebrew...

I go through these phases.  I've been in this one phase for a little while, now.  it's this phase of wanting desparately to fit in and be connected somewhere, like our church body, but really finding no place for me outside of playing bass on the praise team.  I don't feel close to really too many people, even though there are definitely some people who I've been able to connect in stronger ways over the last couple weeks when I really started wrestling and thinking these things through.

There've been a lot of let downs, I suppose.  A lot of discouargements.  A man told me I'm too ideal - that I just give up when things get hard.  I don't know if that's true or if he would even remember saying that to me, at this point.  At any rate, I'm thinking through and I'm going to start praying more consistently regarding what I'm doing out here.

I know, there's a danger in posting blogs like this...  some guy will come on here, and could comment some kind of self-justifying post about organized religion and baptists.  no, it's not about that.  gimme a break. 

did somebody say...

At odd hours, I'll end up at McDonalds* because of Nostalgia.  Not necesarily because of hunger.  But mostly because I miss home.  I miss getting picked up from the air port, I miss visiting my brother, I miss waiting for my mom to get home.

In a similar way, I become nostolgic when I end up at McDonalds at odd hours.

*dude I have no idea what this thing's even from but it's an awesome picture

old man

nuon anthropos

I will forever, I think, struggle with my forgiveness.  To fuel the flame, in part, is the way my sins have been handled in the past by others... and even today.  And, while I don't blame others - it's there, that's reality.  I think that, since I struggle with sin (pride, anger, hate, lust - there's my confession for you, reader), since I've been saved out of the darker and hotter depths of our hellish earthly depravity, my new man will always and forever stand in awe... maybe, almost, unbelief.

Not the kind of cowardly unbelief that divorces my fiance, no.  The real unbelief that leads to worship, worship of our mighty God who brought me near by the flesh and the blood of His attoning death on that filthy, blood stained and disgusting cross.

The cross was nasty.  Chunks of flesh, chunks of blood, probably even human excretions of many kinds trickling down the wood.  A Man - the God of the universe - let out His last dying breath.  And there I am, at the foot of the cross.  And my body is up there - my old man, dead.  Romans 6 style. 

And I will be raised up like Him on the last day

And it's a struggle.  I told some friends, recently.  I don't know what I'd do if I met people who have caused great hurt in the lives of those I love.

I used to think... maybe, I used to even say.  In fact, most recently, I've thought and pondered aloud... What if the Lord saved one of these men?

and He has.  like me.  a wretch, no greater than him or anyone else.  we're two wretches, almost damned but not anymore.  I will spend eternity with you, jose.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

sometimes, working for clients can be the double-edges sword.

you're doing something you 'love,' sure.  but you don't really have time to do the things you love.  you're busy doing changes and keeping up with deadlines.  you fall behind, and it sucks.  you feel terrible for letting someone down, if you're any kind of man with solid or even decent convictions.

I'm tired.  I'm complaining.  Lord, have mercy.

Monday, November 2, 2009


I feel like...

I'm almost positive that a lot of big things typically happen all at once in my life.  I don't know whether that's the result of over-zealousness or under-preparedness.  But that's life.  Thank the Lord for everything big that ISN'T happening and how He's taken care of all of us...