Thursday, February 25, 2010

'but most of all... I thought about Jenny'

forrest gump has become my favorite movie of all time.  it's been on AMC a lot.  I think when I think back on our first years of marriage, and maybe even when I think about the first time I've been in my own place with cable tv...  I'll remember forrest gump.  and the matrix.

I take a little while to read comments, these days.  I'll just confess that, now.  because honestly, I'm working through a lot of fear right now.  yeah, I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of what people think for the first time in years.  everybody's so smart.  everybody's got it together.  maybe writing is my attempt to confess to someone, somewhere, that I really don't.  that's what it's all about, right?  grace.

yeah, grace.  it's humongous.  but I feel like I'm living in between two realities, sometimes.  that reality where my Lord is my Shepherd - His load is easy, His burden is light.  and there's that one with darting eyes, pointing fingers. 

where I'm supposed to open my shirt, peel back my skin, crack my ribs, and expose my heart to people who are supposed to love and understand the struggle.  but I never feel safe enough.

I never really said I had it together.  I only said, hey - I'm working.  I'm finishing school.  I have job skills.  that's been enough for everyone that I hardly see - the people's whose opinions, whether they're real or just in my head, dictate how hard we'll all try to hide.  and it's not the way thing should be.

I don't know if it's reality.  I dunno.

these last couple of years have been the hardest.  I was the chaplain at a great Christian institution and it was the hardest and most discouraging thing of my life.  I'm not blaming anyone.  honest - it was what it was. 

I came out here with a lot of drive, one dream, one mission.  it's not gone.  but it's not here.

it's a struggle.  I don't know how I got here.  there were a lot of people who's council or shoulder or hand that I wanted desperately.  there were people that I sought out.  there were people I looked to and looked up to.  there was a job, a mission, a task.  I wanted someone to come along side.  I've wanted help.  I've just wanted someone.  I look around and I don't really know who's here and who isn't.

now to clarify, if you're reading this - this isn't about being 'dissatisfied with my wife.'  I know at least one poor soul out there who might want that.  and I know my God would still show him mercy, and even know shows him kindness that ought to lead to repents - nevertheless (which is one word), he's storing up much wrath against himself on the day of my Lord's return.

I am incredibly excited about being a father...  I love our child.. and I'm so proud of him or her already...

once my dad told me, on the phone, that I'm his son.  that he loved me even before the day I was born.  maybe I'm starting to understand that.  I'm fighting, inside of me...  I just want to take our family and run, sometimes.

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